The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Patrick Carnes's book is one of the best I've read on Repetition Compulsion, or how unexamined trauma leads victims into similar circumstances, in a kind of loop. And even if we are cognizant or awake to our trauma, Carnes writes, that "does NOT mean the abuse has stopped" (p.212). (The page numbers refer to my paperback copy)."Many get to the point of understanding but get pulled back by the emotional reactivity. The key is to dismantle the reactivity" (p.172). "It is NOT sufficient to simply understand. You will need skills to cope. THE KNOWLEDGE HAS TO GET TO THE CORE OF WHO YOU ARE IF YOU ARE TO SURVIVE" (P. 173).In adult relationships, some trauma bonds are bonds through mutual trauma that predated the relationship, sort of a "you've been through this, too" type of bond. But it is not enough to have had shared similar traumas...a person's takeaway perspective is the most important thing. It is possible to be drawn to another because of similar past abuse experiences, only to find out that the abused is now the abuser, who will now abuse you. "The fact that we are awake does NOT mean the abuse has stopped" (p. 212).The victim has important questions to ask him or herself, like "What are you doing to take care of yourself?" (p. 187). And, who benefitted from the abuse? "Traumatized persons operate out of a damaged relationship template" (p.xii). "Adult survivors of abusive and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own BETRAYAL EXPERIENCES". (p. xvii).One of the traps of trauma is that "high intensity is mistaken for intimacy" (p. 77). "In the buildup phase, you have the incredible intensity, high risk and obsession...TRAUMATIC AROUSAL" (p. 79).Similar threads run through all forms of abuse. "The engaging elements of the domestic abuse cycle have parallels in other forms of exploitation" (p. 81). And, if the victim's youth was traumatic (including, of course, neglect), then the victim is essentially primed for more abuse. "Couple it with high arousal events such as domestic violence or sexual abuse and you have a neurochemical cocktail that is hard to beat. Maybe the only way to control survival is to freeze like a hunted animal. Ask nothing. Do nothing. Attract no attention" (p. 20)."Relationships with primary caregivers create a RELATIONSHIP TEMPLATE that will be used across a lifetime" (p. 91). Children who experience traumatic bonding often "have an all or nothing response to emotional stimulation" (p. 91).And then there is this perceptive paragraph on p. 89: "The parts of the [trauma] brain designed to protect yourself gain dominance and may override other parts of the brain that limit reactive responses. A growing body of evidence indicates a neurochemical 'scarring' can occur throughout the body. This means that severe trauma can leave a mark that can be discerned in every system of the body. That is how pervasive the impact of TERROR can be. Fear escalates the reactivity of the body, which in turn escalates all the survival options: arousal, blocking, splitting, abstinence, shame, repetition, and bonding".And there are many predators positioning to take advantage of the trauma victim. "They appeal to the emptiness, the unfinished, and the wounds" (p. 49). They sometimes have a caustic form of seduction, and this seduction is "high warmth with low intentions" (p. 51)."People who come from dysfunctional families in which there was abuse or trauma are particularly vulnerable to seduction. First, because of the INTRUSION that is part of living in exploitive systems, the boundaries that prevent most people from being deceived are not there. These people have not been taken care of or protected, so they may not know how to protect or care for themselves" (p. 54). Lack of privacy itself is abusive. They may doubt their own perceptions, and be "more easily led down the trail of exploitation" (p. 55).And predators who do not succeed by caustic seduction will often try terror, since "fear immobilizes" (p. 57). Many predators use both seduction and terror, since "terror works better when coupled with seduction" (p. 57). The various forms of abuse are NO DIFFERENT ENERGETICALLY from each other. They are all exploitative. "Victims are set up in the exploitive system to devalue themselves as a defense against examining what the abuser is doing" (p. 157).As for the long road to recovery, Carnes has this to say: "Recovery requires staying in reality" (p. 200). "Survivors will continue to make connections with their memories and their current circumstances" (p. 123).Recovery can be helped by truly embodying the knowing that "WITH EACH BEAT OF YOUR HEART AND EACH BREATH YOU TAKE, YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE LARGER FORCES OF THE UNIVERSE" (p. 213).So, "Your life is up to you. Take charge of it or somebody else will" (p. 211).

It's life changing. Nothing is a quick fix, and nothing is going to make everything 'all better' but it gives answers to the reasons why you 'just can't let go', why that person keeps mistreating you, why you feel perpetually hurt by people in your life, why relationships are dysfunctional and it gives you practical ways to come up with a game plan on how to break out of it.It was like seeing clearly for the first time ever. I've read several self-help books. Boundaries, His Needs Her Needs, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Love Languages, and other books that have you focus on you and only you and how being positive and thinking loving thoughts and extending peace will shift your perception and change how you feel and look at the world, how to release control and let go, and yes they all helped. But only to a certain point. It's like it runs out when it enters this territory that you can't put your finger on. The Betrayal Bond covered and explained everything.I had been in a relationship that spanned 24 years and for part of the time was a marriage. The concept of letting go no matter how much I wanted it felt impossible. However in reading this book I was able to come up with a logical plan of action that was empowering and not dramatic or inviting further conflict, and I was able to calmly break ties/set boundaries and feel good about it. What I love about this book is that it states things very bluntly, and calls things what they are - but there is no blame. You don't walk away and go "It's all my parent's fault" or "It's all my partner's fault" you say instead "Oh, I understand why I respond like this. And wow, it makes sense that I am in relationship in the way I am with this person. And I understand why he/she responds like this, this is how they learned to cope with the way they were exploited long before me. Wow, this makes perfect sense." It's very validating, and even for someone who has been exploited, you learn to understand (NOT excuse) why that person seeks to exploit others, and why you are ripe to be a victim, and how to break out of that so you can stop repeating it. It makes you feel strong. You learn how logical the next steps are, based on your personal situation. For people who have been molested or sexually assaulted or manipulated it also speaks to that, and it calls it what it is, and explains why you feel the way you do, and how to stand up for yourself and break free of your own emotional and mental prison of pain. It is compassionate, brilliant and brutally honest.If you want to get healthy and break free, this is empowering. It's like your own personal therapist in a book, but you've got to do the work and be willing to get honest with yourself and do the excavating back to your roots of childhood. It helps identify the victimizers, helps the victims, yet doesn't give you an excuse to remain the victim, but gives you tools to change and heal YOU so that you can change your current and future situations.

My wife's ex husband was extraordinarily abusive, verbally, sexually, and at times, physically. He betrayed her with other women for the entire 30 years of their marriage, lying and manipulating her, and hurting their kids. Yet, after he divorced her, she clung to the hope that he would wake up and finally become the man he never was and come back to her. We met, fell in love, and married, yet the pain of that betrayal stayed with her even after our 10 years together, and when she was around him at family events, she was fearful, nervous, and felt as though she had no control. Worse, he would try to get her to reconnect with her to try to get her to cheat with hem, but unsuccessfully. But it was unnerving, and she was afraid to force him to stop. Finally, she went to a trauma therapist, who had her read this book, and this book, along with the therapy changed her life. Trauma forms a strong bond, even though it's a negative bond, and you can break that bond....and she has. She now has good boundaries with him, keeps him away from her, and when at family events where he is, she is relaxed and fearless, and she won't allow him to come around her or even talk to her. It is a huge change inside her...that trauma bond is broken. It has changed her life...she is now opening up like a flower. It's wonderful to see us now enjoying life so much more and her wanting to do things she would not have...to be a bit adventuresome, and I smile since she is over 60, and yet, it's as if the happy, carefree person she was once, before she married her ex, is coming back. Yes, you can leave that abusive person behind.....read the book and find a therapist familiar with the book who has specialized training in betrayal bonding....you won't regret it.

I read much on dysfunctional relationships. This is one of the few books that I came across that provide tips for healthier relationships whilst describing what an unhealthy/dysfunctional relationship is. Highly recommended to anyone who is interested in identifying dysfunction in their relationships and skills to contribute to healthy ones.

I'm less than half way through this book, and will admit for me it is hard going emotionally. But it is very good I purchased on the Kindle but will be buying a hard copy. There are some diagnostic assessments which having on paper would of been easier to complete.Good book, if you have come this far and you think or already know you are Traumatically bonded or as the title suggests Betrayal bonded.

Thank you for opening my eyes to a bad relationship and helping me to move on. Not without sadness but with the strength and insight that I needed.

brought on kindle and wow what a great book so much stuff for people to identify with and see why they act as they do towards others , if counselling or just curious as to why relationships don't work then buy this

Such a brilliant book really helped to see where I had my childhood trauma.Love the idea of little tasks you have to do so it makes it more personal. Very glad I purchased this book.