"Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering

I like the straight-forward nature of the three "rules" for dealing with sibling conflicts, and agree that no good ever comes from taking sides in arguments between my kids. I find his "Stop it, you two!" (or in my case, "you three!")to be one of the greatest parenting phrases I've learned. However, a lot of his examples seem to end with a child, upon figuring out that his parent won't intervene on his behalf, declaring his plan for revenge as he leaves the room. For example, one of his recurring themes is a kid tattling on his sibling for swearing at him. Parent gives sympathy but refuses to get involved and in the end, the kid leaves saying, "Fine, then I'm going to call him a worse swear." This is the point that I think most parents, myself included, would have a difficult time not jumping in and saying something about his plan to go swear at his brother. I get that letting him go at that point is part of the whole "don't get involved" and "let them learn from experience" rules, but it doesn't feel right to me to not help the child think of some other alternatives or at least help the kid cool down so that he's not as inclined to just go back in fighting. This doesn't mean you have to say something like, "You do that, mister, and you're grounded!" but you could say, "You think that will help?" Or, "What, like Giant Ugly Cabbage Head?" (or something equally ridiculous to get him laughing). Or "I wonder if you can think of a swear so horrible it will make him fall on his knees and say, 'Oh brother, I'm soooooo sorry I ever swore at you. I'll never ever do it again and you can have all my best xbox games forever if you'll just forgive me...'" (give him what he wants in fantasy, if not reality).I guess I believe that a parent can help defuse a child's anger without taking sides and while that does pull you into the argument more than this author seems to suggest is necessary, I think it's a pretty important role for a parent to play.So, would I suggest reading the book? Yes, but perhaps in tandem with another book like  Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too  or  Playful Parenting  so you have some ideas about what to say to a child who has just told you his plans for revenge.

I got this book a few weeks ago, read it immediately (it's a quick read), and started using Dr. Wolf's advice with my two elementary aged kids. His advice is right-on. Here's what I like about his approach:1. It's simple. You don't have to remember exactly what to say or use precise techniques. You just have to remember the philosophy: be loving but don't get involved in the fights.2. It's kind. I really dislike parenting books that recommend that you be detached or unpleasant with your kids. Although Dr. Wolf recommends not getting involved in fights, he does recommend offering love and sympathy when the kids feel upset.3. My kids love it. My older child actually told me that he's relieved that I refuse to take sides any more. He said that I was wrong about who's fault things were "at least 50% of the time."4. Not getting involved in other people's fights is a good moral value to role-model for the kids.5. I feel less exhausted when the kids fight. I don't feel a responsibility to be involved--and so I don't feel irritated with them. When the bickering itself becomes irritating, I follow Wolf's advice and separate them.6. The kids are fighting a lot less! Knowing that they will have to work out their own disagreements has made them more likely to compromise before a fight begins.7. When they do fight, they make up much faster. The emotional impact of bickering is less when a parent isn't called in to judge right or wrong, good or bad, and punishment or reprieve.8. My younger child is learning to stand up for herself.9. My older child is learning not to push too far.10. Both kids are learning how to solve fights by listening to each other, compromising, and/or just letting things go. I always thought these were skills I could teach them...turns out they are skills the kids always had and just didn't need to use since I was always "helping" them solve their disagreements!The one very weak spot in the book is his advice about fights in the car (or in other enclosed places.) Pulling over to the side of the road and waiting might work--but it's not practical unless you have a very flexible schedule (and don't drive on highways). Still, I highly recommend this book to parents with bickering kids. It won't stop the bickering entirely, it will just turn bickering from a major parental headache into a great childhood learning experience.P. Gould, co-author of  Feeding the Kids: The Flexible, No-Battles, Healthy Eating System for the Whole Family (Fork and Spoon Field Guides)

I generally want the pamphlet version of parenting books, you know, the "6 things you will learn in this book, boiled down to the complete minimum cause I have 5 minutes to read, digest and begin putting it into practice" pamphlet. I loved that you didn't have to dig through the entire book to get to the most basic talking points and action items! It starts within he first few short chapters with the basic precepts and "rules" (rule 1 is on page 19) to lay the most important ground work. As you get further, it fine tunes and gives suggestions! You can begin putting this into practice today! And its simple. I kept wondering when the "do something humanly impossible" rule was going to come in, never happened! It was recommended to me by a very trusted friend and I considered it a must read before school was over and the fighting began to take on a life of its own! I have two boys (6&9) and they caught on pretty fast. I'm sure we will still have bumps, but this has helped quite a lot! It's an easy read and can be done in the "fits and starts" method that usually accompanies being a parent.

I read the first 10 pages of this book and I knew I was holding a miracle in my hands. I have now tested the author's advice and it works - instantly! After enduring a year and a half of non stop bickering between my 5 and 4 year old sons I finally think there is light at the end of the tunnel. Read this as quickly as possible.

Highly recommend this book for every parent of two or more kids! Absolute game-changer.

Something is wrong with my book's binding because the pages are all perforated and all of them are falling out as I read!

The book resolves the problems presented in the title. Love it!

Great read for siblings who argue