Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

As a therapist, I found this book very helpful in understanding the need for couples to bond completely in order to keep their relationship alive. Tatkin bases his research on premises that include current research on marital therapy as well as on neuropsychology. He provides ten basic premises for maintaining a good marriage. He speaks often of the 'couple bubble'. This is a way for couples to put one another first, to keep themselves a priority for one another in spite of all the influx of information and experiences that come their way. Couples need to form a bubble, a safe place where they are available to one another 24/7 and they attempt to fulfill their partner's needs in any way they can. It goes both ways and it is a protective device. I also liked his analogy of 'ambassadors' and 'primitives'. Ambassadors are the rational aspects of our brain that steer our relationship. The primitives are the more basic aspects of survival that most of us have been programmed for as children. It is more of a 'fight or flight' component that each of us has. There needs to be an understanding in ourselves of these two components of our brain and, more importantly, depending on our upbringing, we may need to work on understanding what makes our partner tick. The book is accessible to anyone, therapist or layman. The information is very helpful and can be used by any married couple. Therapists will be pleased to see that Tatkin quotes the most recent research and incorporates it in his book. I found this book very intuitive and have used his suggestions in the therapy I already do. However, I have picked up some new ideas that I will surely incorporate in the future.

It feels so good to know how to be a better partner...it just makes life better. Stan Tatkin's book, "Wired for Love" is a supportive, informative, educational, and practical read showing you how to use your relationship to become a successful partner, heal each other in the process, and enjoy a more secure lovingly connected experience together. This book demystifies how we get into trouble in relationships and shines a light on the path of how to get through it. The concepts are well-informed, easy to follow, science based, and compassionate. As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I use Stan Tatkin's research and information to effectively help couples in my private practice, and I have used it to become a much better partner myself. Couples wanting to make positive changes in their relationship can make use of the information and get started on the exercises presented in this book right away.

This is fairly easy to read and understand, and makes a lot of sense out of the human condition, as well as the human condition in a relationship. There IS hope when both people really want to understand themselves, improve themselves, and improve their ability to be a great partner to the most important person in their life. This book is an excellent tool for opening the mind, because you need an open mind as much as you need an open heart.

Stan has knocked one out of the park with his new book, Wired for Love. As a couples therapist, I am always looking for a framework, tools, and ideas to use with clients to help them get their relationship back on track to feeling safe and secure. Stan has laid out the critical characteristics of a healthy couple in an easy to read format, provided clear examples and even exercises to help create what he terms a "couple bubble". Going deeper than just tools or emotions, he has created a model of a secure relationship that we all want and laid out the map to get there. This one is a must read whether you are working on your relationship or are a therapist helping others.

How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each helped somewhat. It was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effective. The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to know that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our attachment history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for! While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know what my brain was doing when in past relationships in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before but now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like. Frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined. No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!

Stan's work and contribution to the field of couples therapy and psychology is truly ground breaking. It really raises the bar by incorporating the most modern discoveries of our brain and neuroscience with how we respond to being in a couple. We couple to feel good and feel safe. Stan's work shows us how different parts of our brain respond and how our brains are more sensitive to perceive threat than we are kindness. This knowledge can also help you to avoid making your partner feel poorly. The neuroscience is explained in a friendly way that everyone can follow and its incorporated with attachment theory concepts which are also a more modern knowledge base at the way we bond and couple. If you are hoping to understand how people create a safe, secure and loving lifetime relationship this book provides that knowledge. I would personally throw away any relationship guide written before this work or not incorporating the concepts that this work covers. This is the new and most accurate way to look at coupling.

I found myself reading this book for the third time in two years. Every time, I understand better or remember crucial concepts. I have given a copy of the book to my partner, because I want us to develop a shared understanding of relationship fundamentals and a common language to address common issues that arise in relationships. I’m a researcher and love the fact that Stan shares research-based knowledge and practices. This book is an easy and enjoyable reading, though; he avoids scientific jargon. There is no fluff in this book. A great foundation for any couple embarking on or in the midst of a serious relationship.

TL;DR: I got a lot more out of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" that I read eight years ago if looking for something on attachment theory. Didn't really like the book and found it simplistic. It was hard to determine credibility of the author. Half of the 'examples' feel real and half feel made up to prove an authors point. Do you know anyone who has thought "huh, all the unhappy couples I see don't make eye contact with their partners like I do!" Similarly, compared to other books on mental health and human interaction, it was pretty light on research. Two studies within 40 years to provide credibility of a core foundation of the book? Okay, but why 7 at the end to prove a paragraph that 'humans need touch'. Its strange. Also feel like the idea of an isolated couple who stand together as an island felt pretty outdated. Relationship above all else is ripe for abuse. Two times it questions couples having 'individual therapists', which is bizarre.

I love how it give an insight about relationships and how to keep them. The reflective work inside is good to fully understand yourself better and how you are in a relationship.

The book I agreed to buy was in almost new condition. I just received the book and its lined on alot of places. I dont consider that as good as new.

It helps me understand me and my partner better and I've already learned a lot about fighting and identifying signs of stress in both of us. I would totally by this book again. Stan Tatkin is a great author and therapist, I also recommend his blog and he's guest in some youtube podcasts. The book is partly pretty easy to read with good realistic examples and partly very detailed about neuroscientistic stuff that explains the deeper layers of our brain/behaviour. And it also gives good, do-able advice on how to handle stressful situation. It already helped me and my partner to create better situation for each other. Pretty lovely!

This book provides insights which help us to avoid or defuse situations which otherwise might lead to conflict or bitterness in couple relationships. I quickly learned to identify the 'primitives' and 'ambassadors' (baddies and goodies) in my couple behaviour and adjust accordingly; and how best to repair the relationship in those times when my angry instincts got the better of me. You can gain from reading the book by yourself, but the full value will come if you and your couple partner both read it, as this means you can both 'try harder' in the relationship rather than make one-sided improvements.

This book brings a new understanding to the self and relationships. It's nice to know your feelings are normal, natural and experienced by many- I especially liked the wave, island and anchor analogy. The book is written beautifully to keep the reader interested as well as wanting more.