Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life Audio CD – Unabridged, January 7, 2014

This is a wonderful, insightful, healing book. As a psychiatrist with 31 years in the medical profession, I wish I'd encountered Patricia Evan's work much earlier in my career, and I would recommend this book not only to victims of verbal abuse, but also as required reading for all professionals in training as counselors and therapists. It is that good.The strengths of the book include (1) a rich, insightful definition of verbal abuse, (2) a key section on what doesn't work in combatting verbal abuse, and (3) insights about what freedom from verbal abuse means and the steps to take along the path to recovery.Evans defines verbal abuse as more than just name-calling and put-downs. Her definition includes any attempt by another (usually a partner in an intimate relationship) to define and assign motives to the victim. Thus, statements like "you're too sensitive" or "You're trying to pick a fight" or "what's wrong with you", are attempts to define, control, and pathologize the victim and would qualify as verbal abuse. Don't ever let anyone else define who you are, she advises. When someone else tries to do so, it is a reflection of their faults and limitations, and you are not to blame. A huge part of verbal abuse is, in essence, "brainwashing" - i.e., the abuser assures the victim that he or she loves them and knows best, giving out a confusing message to the victim. Awareness of the forms of verbal abuse thus serves as a huge antidote to becoming a victim because many people wonder what's wrong with the relationship -or what's wrong with them - without recognizing that the problem is a verbally abusive relationship. Because there are no bruises or physical scars, and because the verbally abusive person often treats colleagues and neighbors wonderfully and reserves the abuse for only his/her partner in the relationship, victims often spend years trying to figure out what's wrong. Reading this book can spare the victim years of confusion, self-doubt, and misguided attempts at healing.There are also insights about the personality and needs of the perpetrator. Evans studiously avoids the over-used term "narcissist" and, refreshingly, instead focuses on the dynamics of the behavior rather than the label. Verbal abusers have a fragile, inflated, incomplete, and blurry sense of self that, in essence, relies on using a partner as the repository of his or her projected self-criticisms in order to feel good and whole. The victim never sees it coming in advance, but may through no fault of their own, have a pre-existing inner sense of unworthiness or low self-esteem that "magnetizes the abuser personality into one's life", thus creating the dynamic of the verbally abusive relationship. These insights are, in my opinion, pearls of wisdom and are followed by describing a fairly detailed path for the healing journey.There is probably an epidemic of verbal abuse in America that is not adequately recognized or treated. I've had the book for less than a month and I've already found it useful in dealing with clients, colleagues, and family. Even the short section on "what doesn't work" in dealing with a verbally abusive person could potentially spare a victim from years of futile effort. As you can see, I highly recommend this book. If "Victory Over Verbal Abuse" could be abbreviated as "V.O.V.A.", then my conclusion is: "VIVA, V.O.V.A." !!

Patricia Evans gives the best way for thinking about abuse I've encountered as a therapist specializing in this issue. As a woman married to a man of a different culture and generation, where misogyny is a given, her first book was a lifesaver for me. Her responses to verbal abuse worked. This book is simpler and describes perfectly how verbal abuse begins and how to end it.The women in 'my' domestic violence support group unanimously agreed that verbal abuse hurts worse than physical injuries. This was surprising until we unpacked the typical abuse pattern. Any abuse is about control and has nothing to do with anger. It usually begins with verbal abuse that is 'soul killing'. Trying to make sense of senseless attacks is exhausting. Making meaning of nonsense is impossible.Victory Over Verbal Abuse describes how it begins in a home that doesn't nurture the child (usually male), where he is misunderstood and perhaps entirely discounted. When little children play, they create a world where their toys say what they want, feel how they want, and do what they want. Especially for someone who is neglected or misunderstood, total control is more than delightful--it's a lifeline.In adulthood, this person wants and needs to recreate a situation of total control. If a partner doesn't think, feel, say and do exactly what he wants, his rage knows no bounds. Remember yelling, "It's not fair" when you were little? That's the feeling. She writes with empathy for both parties and doesn't make anyone entirely wrong, just frail and human.In easy-to-read fascinating vignettes with clear explanations, as much fun to read as a novel, the author describes the process and gives a magical response to verbal abuse. "What?" She says the only possible way to stop abuse is to stop the onslaught and get the abuser to hear what is being said and how it is being said. She gives a fine caveat. Do NOT do this with weapons involved. It's humbling to learn so much from a non-therapist about a subject I've studied for more years than I care to count. Who cares that she has expertise I don't? The goal is to understand and to make it stop.

Good to read for my research on verbally abusive men and women who abuse their partners.

Patricia Evans books are excellent and puts into words everything in such a clear & helpful way thank you

Excellent

Great insight to read that others feel exactly as you do, and that your not hyper sensitive or crazy!

This book si very helpful and an "Intelect Opener" for those who are unaware of the Verbal Abuse in their lives.Sometimes people say things to us that are unkind and we think nothing of the words they've said, and maybe even think we've deserved what they said. Unkind words are NEVER right to say or to hear.I bought 5 of these and gave them out as Christmas gifts last year - hope it helped somebody. I didn't bother with the exercises in the back of the book.