The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Coddled Kids, Helicopter Parents, and Other Phony

In The Myth of the Spoiled Child, Alfie Kohn examines the motives, values and beliefs underlying the conventional wisdom—espoused on both the political left and right—about raising children. Unlike many parenting books that attack straw men, the ideas Kohn argues against are central tenets on child rearing that any parent will recognize. He presents arguments and evidence in favor of the conventional wisdom, including direct quotes from some of the many experts who proffer it, such as certain prominent psychologists. He then analyzes what would have to be true for such conventional parenting wisdom to be logical and accurate, and weighs what research says about its validity. He also shows why, for all too many adults, its validity is beside the point.Kohn’s the rare author who breaks down real-life arguments into their components and doesn't just cite but, rather, pores over the original research pertaining to each of them. He dissects several important studies whose so-called results get thrown around quite often in parenting books and articles—e.g., the marshmallow experiments, research on narcissism in young people, studies on children’s self-esteem and the importance of grit—and surprises us with what the research actually shows (and, at times, the disparity between how the authors of the studies interpreted their results versus how others typically report them).It’s all too rare that an author walks readers through such conceptual and research heavy lifting that they come away with new understandings about topics with which they thought themselves already familiar. Kohn has done a tremendous service for us parents and our children by writing such a book. That he does so in a way that is both enjoyable to read and at times evokes a chuckle with its incisive wit is all the more valuable an accomplishment! I’d say that even exhausted parents whose intellectual life at home extends no further than reading for 20 minutes before bedtime will benefit from, and have no problem absorbing, this book’s clearly presented ideas and evidence.Whether you’re liberal or conservative, traditional or progressive, well-read about parenting and developmental psychology or generally too busy parenting in real life to read many books about it, The Myth of the Spoiled Child will get you thinking whether the parenting beliefs and practices you apply every day are leading where you really want to go. Even if you already consider yourself relatively well-informed, self-reflective and evolved as a parent, this book is almost sure to challenge you in the best ways. As Kohn shows so powerfully, some of the basic tenets we all take as parenting common sense are unlikely to truly meet our long-term goals or lead to a better world for our children, both now and as adults.I can count the number of parenting books I’ve considered life-changing on one hand. The Myth of the Spoiled is one of them, up there with the classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. I cannot think of a higher compliment than that.

I first stumbled on Alfie Kohn’s work when I happened to see THE HOMEWORK MYTH at the library. It was like a light bulb coming on. I had always sensed that there is something wrong about the traditional ways that kids are treated/raised (and that that something is somehow related to much of what’s wrong with society as a whole), but that book began to give me the vocabulary to understand and discuss such problems.This is now my third Alfie Kohn book, plus I have read nearly all of his articles that are available online. It doesn’t take long to realize that Kohn has one basic overarching point, and that his writings simply come at that point from a variety of different angles. His point has to do with how we as a society tend to exert control and expect compliance, and how we use punishments and rewards as the main means of instilling this control. This power and control, and the punitive means of enforcing it, is actually harmful not only to the individuals subject to it but to the fabric of society. It creates individuals who are insecure, risk-averse, compliant, conventional and conforming. If we want people to be bold, analytical, critical, creative, innovative and, well, free, we need to become more supportive, nurturing and unconditionally accepting. In short, Kohn refers to this as “working with” rather than “doing to”.This particular book, as the title indicates, comes at this paradigm by exploring current (and past) ideas that kids “these days” are spoiled and coddled; that parents “today” are both too permissive and too involved in their kids’ lives. He explores a range of typical, usually conservative bogeymen from indulged, “entitled”, narcissistic kids, to helicopter parents to participation trophies and self-esteem. He also explores the latest “ideals” promoted for child-rearing – “grit”, perseverance, self-discipline, rigor, etc.In each section, Kohn begins by operationalizing the definition of terms like “spoiled” or “permissive” and looking at research and history to show that such alleged phenomena are not really new and that there is no current “epidemic” of spoiled kids or permissive parents any more than there ever has been. He finds dozens of historical quotes, each complaining of the same basic woes, always as if the generation in question were the first ever generation to be that way/do those things. He next analyzes research literature over time to see if, for example, college students are any more narcissistic than they were in the 50s or 70s or whenever the “golden age” supposedly was.He comes up empty handed on any research to show that the current generation is any worse than any previous generations on any of the measures he examines, but he does find research to show how changes do happen over a lifetime, which may account for perceptions of different generations. College students today are no more narcissistic than college students of 30 years ago, but 20-year-olds are more narcissistic than 50-year-olds. So the older generation may simply be misremembering their own youth and instead attribute age-based differences to generational differences – “kids these days!”After demonstrating that there is no epidemic of unwarranted youthful exuberance (in fact, perhaps, the opposite), Kohn, in his usual style, takes a step back to really explore what we mean when we use terms like “self-esteem” and the underlying assumptions of what children (or people in general) must be like to shape such views. In exploring self-esteem, for instance, he talks about how it too often gets conflated with arrogance or narcissism. In fact, however, narcissism is often the opposite of self-esteem – an empty boasting meant (perhaps unconsciously) to fill the hole for someone who in fact doesn’t really feel all that great about himself. And in any case, what’s so bad about feeling good about one’s self?Kohn believes that there are three underlying beliefs or worldviews that contribute to traditional views of how kids should be raised. The first is the idea of conditionality – that everything good, including even approval and self-esteem, should have to be earned. No one should have the right to be “rewarded” or to feel good without accomplishing something. The second is the idea of scarcity – the idea that, for instance, “excellence” is limited. Kids (all people, really) should have to compete against each other to see who is the “best” because only the “best” are excellent. It is not possible for everyone to achieve excellence, no matter how good everyone is (which is why grades are assigned on a curve, even if the whole class performs well). The final underlying assumption is that deprivation is good. Life is tough. The sooner you get used to that, even starting in early childhood, the better off you’ll be.If you’ve read any of Kohn’s other work, you’ll be familiar with his rebuttals to these assumptions. Imagine a world in which children (all people) are loved and accepted simply for being human and being who they are. Where everyone is allowed to excel and achieve in his or her own way and where everyone can define his or her own excellence by his or her own internal sense. Where children are nurtured, protected and supported through life’s ups and downs. Many people would see this as too touchy-feely, not realistic or maybe just plain unmanly. But research shows better outcomes – in terms of both “success” factors such as earnings, as well as simple mental health – for kids raised in this way. Rewards and punishment, competition and other external valuations lessen internal motivation and make people defensive and constricted. Unconditional acceptance frees people to pursue their own interests and passions, take risks and live life secure in their own skin.Finally, Kohn concludes with a discussion about why “grit”, self-discipline and self-control may be overrated, especially if those characteristics are used in pursuit of externally mandated goals and expectations. Kohn argues instead for raising “rebels” – kids who will trust to their own internal motivations and moral guidance based on the empathy they develop for others based on having been accepted and loved themselves. Such kids, Kohn argues, are well-positioned to make thoughtful choices about how and when to respectfully question and challenge authority. And this is a good thing.I do have some criticisms of this book, one admittedly minor. First, I wish that Kohn would have used footnotes rather than endnotes. There is a great deal of relevant information contained in the note, but it is rather irritating to keep flipping back and forth.Second, and more significantly, as with all Alfie Kohn books, we hear a lot more about what not to do and why traditional child-rearing methods and philosophies are problematic that we hear about what to do and what does work to raise happy, empathetic, conscientious and socially responsible kids. I realize that UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING was an attempt to do just that, but again, Kohn spent more time telling us why rewards and punishments are bad than what to put in their place. I understand there is no one-size fits all, step-by-step guide book to raising kids, but rewards and punishments are so ingrained in our culture that even those of us who know better find ourselves falling into their spell. I would like a fly-on-the-wall view of life in the ideal Kohn household (or even in the non-ideal household to get examples of how to get back on track), with plenty of examples of optimal and less-than optimal strategies. What does Alfie say when he needs to leave in five minutes and his four-year-old isn’t even dressed yet? What does he say when his eight-year-old hits a home run or his ten-year-old draws a beautiful picture? What about when his twelve-year-old would rather play video games or his fourteen-year-old won’t get off the phone? What does one say once one has eliminated “good job” and “or else” from their vocabulary?I am just now finishing up a book by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson on “whole-brain”, “No Drama” discipline which does lay out several such examples. Their overall philosophy is very similar to Kohn’s philosophy in terms of reducing our use of controlling, punitive strategies and instead working with the child as a whole person. But they differ on some points such as the benefits of homework, perseverance and self-discipline (both books discuss the classic marshmallow experiments, but have rather different takes on them). I would love to see or read a dialogue among Kohn, Siegel and Bryson discussing their agreements and disagreements, along with examples of how each would handle various child-rearing situations.

A splendid way if saying how easy is to love your child!Great book!

I just finished listening to the audiobook version of The Myth of the Spoiled Child, which was read by the author. The book shares research and exposes common fallacies about raising and educating children. The main themes of the book are that:1) children who have unconditionally positive self-esteem will accept themselves and grow up to be the most well-adjusted. This starts with parents loving and accepting children unconditionally rather than conditionally providing love and affection only when the children do something well or are well-behaved. Self-esteem does not have to be earned, rather a child can bring a positive self-image to whatever he/she is facing;2) children need the space to make their own choices and become good decision makers. When parents try to control their children or strictly ensure the children are well-behaved, the children will grow up to be confused about what they want in life, less able to make good decisions, and more likely to be depressed;3) the education system, including standardized testing and grades, generally pulls for conformity and encourages children to persist with tasks in which they have no intrinsic motivation, suffering through topics in which they have no interest, all for artificial rewards like test scores. Children who are encouraged to follow their intrinsic motivations, even rebellious and non-conformist, will be more creative, engaged, self-expressed and fulfilled as adults.4) homework is not useful in terms of any education outcome, and may even interfere in children’s social development.5) it works best to treat children like people who can do their own thinking and make their own choices and learn from those choices, not objects that need to be controlled, corrected, pressured, punished, rewarded or molded.

In classic Alfie style, Kohn challenges common societal assumptions about parenting, teaching, and what builds self-esteem. Whether you're a traditionalist looking to challenge your beliefs or a PBIS cheerleader looking for some affirmation, this book will bring you to new insight.If you've felt like kids aren't quite as respectful, hard working, or focused as they were back in your day, be prepared to have that notion challenged. Using research and common sense style, Kohn establishes that kids have always seemed inferior to how they were "back in my day." He follows this up with a logical progression of ideas that prove that society might not be doomed after all; the next generation might provide more promise than we think.