Emotional Abuse Silent Killer of Marriage - A Recovering Abuser Speaks Out Paperback – February 15, 2013

My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive. I’ve known something is wrong for a while now but this book just validated it. I’ve been looking for resources and ways to understand what’s been happening and this book just touched my heart. I have such a better grasp of the situation now and (if this makes sense) I feel slightly more in control. Thank you Mr. James. You’ve truly given us insight into your experience and were brave enough to not only admit your problems but openly share them for others to learn from! Thank you and God bless.

I couldn't possibly recommend this book enough to anyone who is or has been suffering from emotional abuse... And even MORE so for those who are contemplating whether or not they themselves could possibly be "emotional abusers". Let me just say - This was THE eye opener that I was desperate for my Husband to finally grasp. Before he read this book - He was constantly tearing me down - he never did it in a "mean" sort of manor - he did it with his little "teasing" jabs and jibes... He always found ways to tear me down and insult me but he always did it under the guise of humor... I was so tired of always being the butt of his insulting jokes, and for the longest time - I had no clue that I was ever even being emotionally abused... I just figured that I was too sensitive - like my husband had always told me that I was.All I knew is that I was just incredibly broken down, beyond depressed, and couldn't explain why - but I had felt like a beat up punching bag for years upon years... And I just coulnd't seem to make sense as to “WHY?”Anyone who had ever met my Husband – always thought that he was just such a great guy – people were always telling me how lucky I was to have such an awesome Husband... It seemed like I was always hearing something to the effect of, “Wow - I wish there were more guys like him in the world!”Nobody would have ever deemed him for the emotionally abusive jerk that he had become... And what was even worse was that he would only be this way behind closed doors... It was literally crazy making.So for the longest time, I never even considered the remote possibility that emotional abuse had been a factor in my life. It wasn't until I had finally sought out some counseling due to the relentless depression I couldn't seem to get out of - that this all started to come into light... I did a ton of research on emotional abuse - which is how I came to discover this incredible book, "The Silent Killer of Marriage" By Austin James...I read it before my husband did - there were some parts in this book that had me literally sobbing uncontrollably - mostly from of all the relief I was feeling believe it or not! I had been so blind for so long - For the first time in more than a decade, I was seeing things exactly for what they were...The problem that I always thought was me – turned out to not be because of me afterall.One evening after he got home from work - I said - I have a book that I would like for you to read - Infact I would like for you read it every day for 30 minutes until you've finished it... He scoffed at me and at the book, and said in his usual sarcastic tone "oh, alright"... To which I said - starting tonight, if you miss just one night of reading this book - I'm leaving. I pointed to the corner where my bags were pre-packed and ready to go...Maybe doing that was a bit overkill, but I needed him to see the sincerity in the situation....That night after dinner - he plopped down on the couch and opened the book... He said – OK! Set the timer for 30 minutes...Much to my surprise, he kept reading after the timer went off! In fact – he read this book for over 3 hours that first night.He finished it within a matter of 2 days.... I couldn't believe how he finally was able to see just what I had been trying so hard to tell him all the years before...Mr. James was capable of shining a light on realities that my husband couldn't see before... Mr. James is a brilliant writer – and he delivers a testimony that you can almost feel through his words alone...***I just want to say to Mr. James - Had it not been for your book - My marriage would have been far over and done with by now... Your testimonial was immensely applaud worthy, and I can only imagine how much courage it must have taken you to write this book... Even if you and Ms. Terri weren't able to reconcile, I'm sure that she has an incredible amount of love and respect for the man that you have worked so hard to become... Your love for her is what ultimately saved countless of marriages.... Not to mention countless more marriages to come....(I hope so much that yours and Terri's Marriage is part of the 'countless' amount of marriages that were saved...)From the bottom of my heart - Thank you so much Mr. James....God Bless YOU!~Kelley

Prepare for a fascinating glimpse inside the mind of someone willing to admit their guilt and seek help. This book is raw, gritty and sometimes a very uncomfortable journey through the eyes of an abuser. Austin writes page after page, describing where he went wrong in hopes that this book will help others understand and confront emotional abuse. That’s what I liked best about this book. Austin goes into heavy detail describing what emotional abuse is and how to recognize it. He writes, “The bottom line----anything said or done that attempts to gain control over another person is emotional abuse.” (page 123) Now before I explain why this is a one star review, let's take a closer look at this book:Reflecting over his thirty year marriage that ended in divorce, he writes, “Anger was always my friend and constant companion for as long as I can remember in this relationship. It was always my go to weapon of choice when I needed a win.” (page 16)“While Teri and I were dating it didn’t take me long to discover I could get just about anything I wanted if I got mad at Teri.”“I constantly had to amp up my anger response to get what I wanted because Teri would condition herself to my current level and sometimes not back down and give in as I anticipated.” (page 21)“Yet outside the home I was the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. Most abusers are.” (page 23)“I became a master of manipulation making everything look like somehow it was all her fault and I was the victim.” (page 26)“In some sick, twisted way, I thought this kind of behavior between a husband and wife was normal.” (page 27)“My underlying reason for the abuse, control and manipulation was in some sick way to keep Teri dependent on me so she would not leave me.” (page 51)As you’d expect, after thirty years of this, his wife reaches a breaking point where she finally asks for a divorce. Once again Austin admits fault here, saying “I had no one to blame but myself.” (page 56)As Austin experiences separation and divorce, the Holy Spirit deals with his heart that he is an abuser. Austin describes having to come to grips with who he really is and that “me being angry wasn’t a character flaw….it WAS my character, my identity, what I was in one form or another almost everyday of my life.” (page 52)Austin begins to seek professional help and try to change. After the divorce Austin apologizes to his wife for “making you have to divorce me. There was no other way for me to wake up and realize how I was in our marriage.” (page 115)."Do you see the twisted way abuse works? The issues I thought Teri had and needed to fix were mainly caused by me." (page 18).That’s just a few of the really helpful points that Austin makes throughout this book. There’s a lot more really helpful points including a warning to AVOID marriage counseling when seeking help for an abusive relationship.Austin writes about how the issue of emotional abuse is being swept under the rug and “rarely talked about or ousted for what it really is----a silent killer.” (page 1)He warns people that if they visit a counselor for help and that counselor insists on joint marriage counseling first---then walk away because you won’t find the help you need there. He points out that even when he and his wife sought professional help “not once did the question of abuse come up during years of seeing both secular and Christian counselors.” (page 4) That’s a real problem, especially in the church. However, just to be clear, Austin does recommend seeking professional help----but distinguishes between types of counseling that aren't helpful in dealing with abuse.The best chapter of this book is when Austin writes a full length apology to his wife. This chapter goes into extensive detail that can help people identify the subtle ways that emotional abuse and neglect seep into a relationship. Austin apologizes for things like “thinking that I always knew what was best for you and never validating your feelings.” (page 110)Another really interesting chapter is when Austin describes growing up under a narcissistic mother. This chapter helps identify the most subtle forms of manipulation. To give you an idea of how far his mother was willing to go for control---at one point she pretends to commit suicide as a ploy to gain his sympathy! He tries to escape by leaving home as a teenager to serve in the military. Once again his mother finds a way to drag him back home by manipulating the military!Austin describes how this unhealthy relationship bled over into his marriage. “Neither Teri nor I could see that the abuse, control, manipulation and anger Mom was exhibiting towards me was flowing through me and on to her.” (Page 103)Reading that chapter, I didn’t feel like Austin was trying to avoid taking responsibility----it sounded more like he was trying to describe his experience so that readers could identify how the narcissistic personality operates.That’s what I like about this book. I also appreciated that Austin recommends some excellent resources by Lundy Bancroft.Another very helpful thing is that Austin included an entire chapter on how to tell if an abuser has really changed. There is such a problem in the church today with people pretending to repent to regain control of a relationship that more teaching is needed on how to discern the wolves in sheep's clothing. Austin makes many really good points on what to look for including "equality of power---is there a more balanced level of power----give and take----in the relationship vs being all take as before?"Now here’s what bothered me about this book:There’s a very strong self-hatred permeating every page of this book. Austin writes page after page, constantly beating himself up for the past. The self-hatred gets so strong that sometimes it actually sounds like Austin is verbally abusing himself.When I came to page 29, I wanted to put the book down and declare, “Austin, you are a new creature in Christ! Old things have passed away….(2 Cor 5:17) There is NO CONDEMNATION to those that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit!” (Romans 8:1)Notice that there’s a qualification in that verse: “walk not after the FLESH but after the SPIRIT.” What does that mean? The Bible defines “outbursts of anger” as a work of the flesh in Galatians 5:19-25 (NOG). There we are warned that “people who do these kinds of things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” But those who are in Christ “have crucified the flesh” and are bringing forth the fruit of the Spirit which includes “self-control.” Real Christians have died to the abusive forms of anger and choose to walk in love.Anger is a really serious thing---one angry outburst cost Moses the Promised Land (Numbers 20:10-12).On the other hand the Bible tells us to “be angry and sin not.” (Eph 4:26) because there is a good form of anger that notifies us when our boundaries have been crossed. Good anger is what drove Jesus to make a weapon and drive the money changers out of the temple. (John 2:15) We also see Jesus getting upset at the disciples (Mark 9:19) and the Pharisees (Matthew 23)(Mark 8:12)(Luke 11).But the problem today is that the church only allows the abusers to get upset and the victims not to. What’s wrong with that? When the church is pitying the abuser and putting all the pressure on the victim to try harder in the marriage, they have forgotten that “He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous are both alike an abomination to the Lord.” (Proverbs 17:15 ESV)The second major problem that I have with this book is how Austin reacts to his wife when she asks for a divorce. After thirty years of breaking her heart, Austin still pleads for more time. When she proceeds with the divorce, Austin doesn’t seem to understand that abuse is Biblical grounds for divorce. Instead he writes that “Teri’s heart remained sealed off to me and with it, any sense of compassion or willingness to listen. Teri remained distant from me emotionally as if she was operating on autopilot.” (page 63)Right there he’s playing the victim---which is the same pattern of manipulation that he’s supposed to have changed.“Divorce was not the right answer in this situation. It just didn’t make sense that God would break me free from the hell of my abuse after all these years and transform me while Teri and I were still together just to have it be the final act in our marriage.” (page 77)“Yet I could not fault her for her feelings. I knew divorce was not the right answer but after all I had done to her over three decades, how could I fault her for anything she felt she needed to do?” (page 78)What she needed to do was obey the Bible’s command to “Go from the presence of a foolish man when you perceive not in him the lips of knowledge.” (Proverbs 14:7)The abusive form of anger puts the abuser in the category of “foolish” according to Proverbs 14:17 “He that is soon angry, deals foolishly.”And warns us that someone “with a quick temper, sins a lot.” Proverbs 29:22 (NCV)But instead of teaching the Bible, what you hear all the time preached from the pulpit is that divorce is sinful and reconciliation is your only option. Hang on a second----if reconciliation is your only option than why does Proverbs 22:24 (AMP) say “Do not even associate with a man given to angry outbursts?”If divorce is sinful then why did God Himself experience it? (Jeremiah 3:8) You read that correctly---when even God Almighty reaches a point where divorce was necessary, it could happen to any of us.In a perfect world there would be no divorce. Then again, God put Adam and Eve in a perfect situation and they still managed to mess it up because all of us have the power to choose between good and evil.That’s the third problem that I have with this book. When Austin starts describing what he learned from various Christian resources, you realize that these resources are teaching abusers to shift blame.Now since Austin has already spent most of the book admitting his own faults it sounds really contradictory when he starts describing how these Christian resources helped him discover that his abusive nature was caused by faulty “wiring in my brain.” (Page 65) Then Austin also briefly touches on the topic of demonic influence. Once again he is quoting what he learned from Christian teaching that “A demon controlled me---I was merely a puppet to its control and manipulation.” (page 28) Nope. There is no power in Earth or Heaven that can overpower your ability to make choices unless you allow it. Even the Holy Spirit LEADS us, NOT controls us.Austin, you were right when you wrote on page 61, “deep down inside I always knew right from wrong.” All of us have the power to change at any point----“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, POWER, and a sound mind.” (2Timothy 1:7) If a demon was controlling you, then wouldn’t they want to keep you from accepting salvation? That’s the first thing they would do if they could overpower your will. But the truth is that while the demonic realm will try to influence us to hurt ourselves or others, we still have the power of free will.Now back to this review----is it possible for abusers to change? Absolutely! After writing that “verbal abusers” will “not inherit the kingdom of God,” in the next breath the Apostle Paul says, “And that is what some of you WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1Corinthians 6:9-11 Berean Bible)Keep in mind that the Apostle Paul himself went from a violent background to writing 2/3rds of the New Testament. But that didn’t happen overnight. Look closely at the book of Acts and you’ll see that the early church didn’t trust Paul.Ananias is terrified when God tells him to visit Paul only a few days after Paul’s conversion. Ananias reminds God about “all the terrible things he has done to your people in Jerusalem.” (Acts 9:13) Only after receiving specific directions from God in an open vision, does Ananias even consider being in the same room with Paul. He prays for Paul and God heals Paul’s eyesight, but the rest of the church leaders still try to avoid him. Paul spends three years out in the desert (Galatians 1:16-19) and then tries to visit Jerusalem but none of the other disciples want to see him. “They were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple.” (Acts 9:26) This skepticism toward Paul was a good thing---they needed more time to find out if his conversion was real.My point is that while overnight repentance is possible, it takes time to change behavioral patterns. That’s why I appreciated the chapter in this book on how to tell true vs false repentance in an abuser.As Austin himself admits---he’s still in a learning process. I hope that as he travels on that journey towards wholeness, he will take the time to study the website Cryingoutforjustice which has many resources that can help him prepare to complete that journey and maybe even find love again someday.

This was an interesting book, devoured in one sitting. It appears to be self-published, so the grammar-nerd in me needed to get past more typo’s, inappropriate word-choices & clumsily constructed sentences than I’m comfortable with! That said, the insight into the mind of an emotional abuser is compelling. His remorse appears genuine and I like the fact that although he is himself a professing Christian, he doesn’t ram that down the throat of the reader, but respects other beliefs. I would have liked a few references to figures he cites (‘women are 90% emotional, 10% sexual’ - not this one!) but this seems like a genuine effort to redress the balance and challenge those who subtly abuse, whilst vindicating those on the receiving end of emotional abuse from others. I hope he finds peace in it all.

When I got past the religious references and Americanisms, I thought this book was enlightening having been in a mentally abusive marriage for more years that I care to remember! I had read a fair few books and articles but always from the point of view of the one on the receiving end of the abuse. It was very interesting to get the other side!!! I would totally recommend this book to anyone who is an abuser or a victim of such.

Interesting and informative read from the perspective of an abuser. Would recommend this book if you are trying to figure out why some people hurt the ones they are supposed to love, respect and protect.

Eye opening and so clearly and kindly writtenA good start of awareness for the emotionally abused person or the emotionally abusive personThank you

I read this book because I'm in the shoes that Austin once was in. I have already realised my grave mistakes and am now on the path to changing myself. And this book has so much honesty, and gives hope without playing to the need for being hopeful or promising a happy ending. I pray that more men and women read this book, realise where they stand and change. This has to be one of the most important books for abusers and victims.