Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

This book is primarily about mothers who are too involved, those who are manipulating, and those who are overly critical. If you had an absent mother, this book is not for you.

My wife’s mother tortures her with her self-centeredness and dependency; however, it is difficult for us to disentangle ourselves from her web of lies, partly because we encounter resistance from family members (wife’s 3 older sisters) who refuse to acknowledge that a mother can have flaws. They prefer to praise the unloving mother, because they desperately yearn for the love that she is incapable of giving, so much so that they are blind to her failure.Dr. Forward’s book cuts through the nonsense that is the notion of the perfect mother and shines a light on the painful cycle of guilt and acquiescence experienced by unloved daughters, a cycle with which I have become sadly familiar.Ladies, Dr. Forward is on your side. We men need more strong voices like Dr. Forward out there advocating for daughters.

I always seem to be a good candidate for Susan's books. I've read Emotional Blackmail, Toxic In-Laws, and I've already had the chance to skim over Toxic Parents. I was so impatient for this book: Mothers Who Can't Love to come out. How thoroughly relieving that someone dares to challenge the world's greatest taboo: Unloving Mothers. I was born to a woman who should have never been allowed to be a mother. Since cutting off my ties with my mother, I have been urged to reconcile and have been criticized with every line possible. I've heard the "she gave you life" and "honour thy mother". I've been told to try to understand her because of lack of education. I've been told to suck it up because everyone knew how she was. Susan lists all these cliches. The queen mother of all criticism and threats is: "I hope when you have kids, they will not do this to you." Susan understands how hard it is to come to terms with not having a loving mother and how it's even harder to defend your decision from the innumerable people who do not accept it.The first part of her book addresses the many faces of an unloving mother. Mine was the narcissistic mother. Sometimes she could be downright psychotic and abusive. For me however when you have been hit enough, it's only a sheer irritation that my mother thought she could scare me with a belt. Susan gave me such clarity and validation with this section. I was always so confused as to why my mother could occasionally be loving and why everything went down the drain when I found my soulmate. These kinds of mothers don't mind you as long as you do what she wants you to do, as long as she has control over you, and most of all-- as long as you don't become a woman. I no longer feel threatened when my relatives try to remind me of the good times I had with my mother. In a lot of ways, I was no more than a piece of property to her. I was deprived and pruned so that I could one day be given away like property then people would see how amazing and strict she was. Thus, she would gain other people's fear and respect. That was her ambition all along and it didn't sit well with her that I refused to be treated like a trophy. My world came crashing down when I realized her need for fear and respect from a bunch of faceless people meant more to her than my life and happiness. She had no qualms about trying to break me, thinking I would eventually capitulate. Like many unloving mothers, she wreaked havoc on my conscience. I felt horrible for not obeying her commands. I felt so guilty whenever she reminded me of all she did for me. Like many daughters of unloving mothers, you break in another way be it physical illness or in my case: depression.This book also made me aware of how every experience with an unloving mother will mold the way you go through life. I've been on the receiving end of my mother saying: "I wish you were never born" and "You should have died a long time ago"-- all in the same breath. However, her destruction did not start when I fell from grace. The tendency to feel responsible for other people's happiness, feeling guilty if you don't comply with other people's wishes, and chasing approval all steams from how your mother raised you. It was such a shock for me to read that love does not have to be earned. I still remember my bridesmaids' speech during my wedding. They called me loving. They said they loved me. I was speechless and felt that I didn't deserve it. Sure I love my husband but I never expected much of it back. How bizarre it was for me when he was always there for me and took care of me without a second thought. How bizarre it was for me when a friend pointed out that my husband loves me more than how other husbands love their wives.All of these scars and self-punishment were from the way my mother programmed me from birth. No, I will never have a loving mother but that is okay. The notion of the Loving Mother is bade farewell in Susan's book. I learned to say that it's okay. Moreover, I can be a loving mother to myself. And just because I never received the nurture I needed, it doesn't mean that I can't be a loving mother when I have children.Most importantly, my rights are spelled out. I no longer need to feel guilty. It was my right to live my life the way I wanted. It is MY choice whether I want to have my mother in my life. If I am ever urged or criticized again to have my mother in my life, that person will be on the receiving end of some very good non-defensive communication.

This book is a must-read for daughters (and sons) who have or had an unloving mother. What I particularly appreciate about this book is the excellent guidance that the authors provide in working through the process of healing from the emotional abuse and neglect from a narcissistic, smothering, battering, and/or controlling mother. It is one of the few books for adult survivors of child abuse that actually has helped me begin to heal from the emotional and physical abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child. What I have learned from this book has also strengthened the relationship that I have with my adult daughter. And the book has given me a roadmap on how to deal with my aging mother who still is emotionally abusive.

So for the most part, I think this was a great book. I am all about having exercises, scripts, mantras, and practices to work with, and I feel like this book was a great balance of mental changes with active changes.For the most part, I also really agreed with the content - it did not victim blame as many resources on the subject tend to do, and it left room for the survivor to make their own choice on how to proceed while preparing them with resources and likely outcomes. Very empowering!What I would have liked better was for the book to be more careful in how it discusses mental illness. I think it’s got a good start with differentiating a mother’s choice to behave poorly from mental illness as a condition. However, it was unsettling to me that the book only talked about mental illness as a way to explain some of a mother’s behavior - which I think strengthens a cultural misperception we have, where we think bad behavior is caused by mental illness or that mental illness makes you a hurtful person. What about the daughters who may have developed mental illnesses themselves from their mothers’ poor parenting, but are working to be good and healthy people? The book could have been more careful and more representative here.Second, a lot of the book’s examples of how to have a better relationship with your mom focused on the overly attached mom. I would have liked more examples of how to work with angry, controlling moms, and how those situations can play out.

If you're looking for a book to bring clarity and healing, please know that there are several superb books on this subject...and this isn't one of them. Out of the many I've read, this is the worst...potentially even harmful to readers that are trying to heal from a loveless upbringing.The author divides the 'types' of unloving mothers into 5 categories: The Narcissistic Mother, The Overly Enmeshed Mother, The Control Freak Mother, Mothers Who Need Mothering and Mothers Who Neglect, Betray and Batter.These are reasonable categories that will ring true for a lot of people. But a category doesn't make a book. The author reveals such a shallow understanding of each of these dynamics that I was astounded. At page 112, after being increasingly appalled by the ignorance of the author, I came to this statement and had to put the book down and write this review:"In an abusive marriage, the mother becomes a terrified child - far more concerned with defending herself against physical or emotional violence than she is about keeping her daughter safe. She hides - sometimes using her child as a kind of shield to take the brunt of the abuser's treatment - instead of taking the necessary steps to get the abuser out of the house." -This flitting, thin-slicing, shallow statement shocked me to the core and shows an utter lack of understanding the dynamics of domestic violence/abuse. Although this portrait of a mother in an abusive relationship may be the case for a tiny fraction, it is far from the reality in the majority of cases. If you are the child of a parent who was abused or abusive...read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men' - it is a brilliantly researched masterpiece that really saves lives. It will provide the level of deep understanding to help you to truly heal from this kind of childhood. Another of his books, 'The Parent as Batterer,' is the classic reference that provides guidance for Judges and Prosectors in cases like this. Mother's Who Can't Love doesn't even attempt to provide anything beyond the shallowest introduction to the subject and I feel confident the author has never reached a level of understanding herself.But that was only the 'final straw' - the lack of understanding this author showed for narcissism and narcissistic abuse was equally astounding. The author essentially thin slices narcissistic mothers as 'competitive' and 'jealous' of their daughters. You will find little, if anything, in the authors level of understanding to bring you a level of clarity about narcissism; clarity that is essential to set boundaries and heal. If looking for a good starting point for understanding a potentially narcissistic mother, or if you are sure that your mother is one, then I would recommend 'Children of the Self Absorbed' by Nina Brown. The first 40 pages of this book will be profoundly awakening and it just gets better from there.For the 'Control Freak' Mother - another of the categories in this book - the author reveals the same lack of understanding of abuse and domestic violence as she does in the Mothers Who Neglect, Betray and Batter category. If this was your experience, again read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft...and just switch 'he' to 'she' and you will have a superb guide to understanding and healing.Another important area to explore if your mother was unloving is sociopathy (not even mentioned in the entire section of Identifying the Mother Wound, where the author describes each of the 5 categories of unloving mothers). How can one not include sociopathic mothers in a book on this topic? Surely 'unloving' and 'lack of empathy' is a significantly researched area of psychology and psychiatry. Some mothers can't love...because they can't love...full stop. There are several important books on this topic and a good place to begin is 'The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout. It's an older book (published 2005) in a rapidly growing field, but provides superb examples of seemingly 'normal' people who are sociopathic. It's a must read for those who experienced a loveless childhood, even if their mother wasn't a sociopath, as those that grow up like this are often so in need of love that they can fall victim to sociopaths in adult relationships. So studying sociopathy (not even touched upon in Mothers Who Can't Love) is essential for recovery from a childhood, and adulthood, with a mother who didn't love you.There are many people who truly need help after surviving (and continuing to survive) an unloving mother, and having such an incompetent, ignorant therapist write such an appalling shallow and misinformed 'best seller' is profoundly disheartening. My heart goes out to each and every person who grew up without a mother's love and I wish you every success with healing and embracing the life, and love, that you deserve.

A very good read for any daughter of a difficult mother. The book is divided into two parts. The first describes in four categories the types of narcissistic Mothers. I believe that you have to allow overlapping characteristics from one category to the other. The description of narcissistic Mother personality in the first part is spot one for me. The second part concentrates on the part of recovering from the emotional pain and stigma that growning up with an unloved mother that stays with you. I do like the concept of trying to remember, relive and remove the painful experiences from your childhood. The best thing about this book is like having a phycologist helping you to your road of recovering. Highly recommended it.

BRILLIANT! BUY IT! I wish I had read this 30 years ago - oh how I wish. You can ditch all the other self help books if your problem is a sad and difficult relationship with your mum, whom you have spent your life trying to win approval and love from - THIS IS YOUR BOOK!

The author definitely knows what she's talking about and it often feels like she's standing by my side holding my hand while she talks. Her years of experience are obvious through this lecture.I wish I read this book 10 years ago. I cannot rate it high enough on here, but I can definitely recommend it to anyone trying to understand themselves and how the connections formed with their carers shaped their thoughts and behaviour!This book along therapy helped me overcome guilt and shame.

This book is really good and describe very well the different types of mother who can't live. If you are in recovery or it's interested in learning more about it, I definitely recommend it !