Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance

First, let me say, this book was NOT what I thought it would be. It was way over my head with the limited intelligence I have with only a high-school education. So much of it I didn't really understand. However, I loved it and learned so much from it. I feel like I have taken 3 semesters of psychology classes at a university. My only problem was that I didn't have anyone to ask questions of as I went along. I will need to read it again, and then again, and look things up to completely understand a lot of it. But to me, the book was worth the price just for the last chapter called "Stick With The Winners: Habits of Emotionally Sober People". This chapter I will definitely read over and over, and will continue to work on developing these characteristics within myself. I realize that my recommendation will not mean much to anyone, but I'm really glad that I pushed myself to finish this book. It has been, and will continue to be, a tremendous help to me. I highly recommend it.

I am a Ph.D. candidate of Marriage & Family Therapy and work as a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern. I have run psychotherapy groups for several years already with addicts and their families, and I've been trained in multiple therapy modalities (EFT, SFBT, Gestalt, CBT, MI). This is a book that I wish I had written.Even though I posted this review nine months ago, I continue to recommend this book to both my colleagues and friends. I still have not found any books as comprehensive and balanced, as this book offers the latest research and integrates a spectrum of our field's freshest relationship theories into one book. She helps us move closer toward a "Grand Unified Theory" of therapy and integrates attachment theory, attachment injuries, updates in the codependency literature, research on emotions, PTSD, ADHD, grief, depression, anxiety, and more, and she makes it applicable to the lay person as well as to the therapist.This book can help clients understand how therapists can help, while giving therapists an updated look at how research on attachment theory can be integrated with the fields of substance abuse. For example, a lot of people still treat substance abuse using old models, using cognitive-only approaches, outdated notions of codependency, and overlooking the role of the brain, emotions, biology, trauma and the family system. She validates the newer approaches of using more experiential, emotionally-focused and systemic approaches with addicts and families and gives us clear language to explain why it works.Dr. Dayton stops us before we "throw the baby out with the bathwater." The pop psychology concept of "codependency" was popular in the addiction recovery field, but it was criticized mainly because there is little or no scientific evidence to support basic tenets of codependency theory, it became so watered down that it was useless, it seemed that every behavior was codependent, and was generally used as a derogatory label that tended to apply more often to women. Thus, Dr. Dayton prefers to talk about "relationship trauma."Nevertheless, Dr. Dayton provides her own definition of codependency, but links it to the latest research on adult attachment. You may also be interested in some recent research on codependency & attachment styles I came across by Whiteleather & Doumas (2004). [...] Using the four quadrant model of attachment styles, they correlated the concept of "codependency" with the anxious/preoccupied attachment style.Dr. Dayton defines codependency using an integration of attachment theory and Bowen family systems theory which I agree with and couldn't have said better: "Codependency, I feel, is fear-based and is a predictable set of qualities and behaviors that grow out of feeling anxious and therefore hypervigilant in our intimate relationships. It is also reflective of an incomplete process of individuation....Though codependency seems to be about caretaking or being overly attuned to the other person, it is really about trying to fend off our own anxiety." (p. 150-151) I believe that both codependency AND counterdependency are maladaptive behaviors used to manage anxiety about relationships--both are terms that I'm seeing appear more often recently. Dr. Dayton believes that these anxious or avoidant behaviors are the result of attachment injuries, or relationship traumas as she calls it.She EVEN shows how humor and psychodrama are healing, both of which I believe are powerful therapeutic agents. She describes the theories of humor and how laughter is healing, when I thought I was the only therapist who was interested in that. Yeesh! She got (almost) everything that I feel is important, including spirituality.If I was to write the next reincarnation of her book, I would want to include more Christian spirituality, but that's only because my undergraduate degree is in theology. My ONLY minor criticism was when she connected the Greek concept of "agape" love with romantic love (page 122) and said that it was too "unstable" for the foundation of a family. I don't believe Dr. Dayton truly understands what agape love means. Agape is by definition an unconditional decision to love somebody despite feelings, and therefore is the MOST stable form of love, something we need more of in our relationships. In the Bible, "agape" is used to describe God's unconditional, unmoving love for us despite the things we do wrong.The only other concern, which is not a bad thing, is that perhaps Dr. Dayton tries to do too much in her book! Whole books have been written on the topics for each chapter, so that she can't dive in too deep on any of them. Her book is monumental in putting all of this into one book. But, at least I can highly recommend this book as a good integration of a broad spectrum of theories for the professional who works with relationship traumas and helping people become more emotionally aware, as well as an advanced overview for the general audience.

I also have this book on Audio. lots of best practices+suggestions that was used by the writer. I work this book into my daily reading and I am a recovering alcoholic and am a working the 12 steps and after lots of soul search this author helped me to understand why I "act" out when I am afraid....Great book for all types of people in need of help

Please see my comments in response to Louisa Jay's two-star review. I can't recommend this book highly enough to anyone who has ever wondered "Why?" Clancy Imislund famously said "Get off your sinking ship and row . . . before you drown trying to figure out 'Why"!'" So, I did that. For 34.5 years in a slow slog that has given way to moments of clarity and stellar sobriety, but, still, I wanted to know Why?! This books tells me. And I am as excited as a child at Christmas. I'm 74.5 years old! Hallelujah! I feel like I'm coming home. To myself.

Must read, I don’t know how this book doesn’t have thousands of reviews. I recommend or buy a copy of this book to all my loved ones.

Very helpful in maintaining life balance especially in early addiction recovery. It helps to keep you centered and understand that you are not alone in your feelings.

I have been in Recovery for 8 years, sober for 6, and I first gave this book to my sponsee for her own sobriety anniversary, but after leafing through, I realized it was essential reading for me too, or anyone in recovery.So often people like myself encounter folks who put down the drink or the drug long ago, but for one reason or another, they have not been able to mature emotionally;they remain the age they were when they began to use their substance of choice. In AA this is known as a "dry drunk" and it is an unhappy state of being, to say the least.This book stands alone ,or as a wonderful adjunct to a Recovery program. It can be daunting to realize so much more has to be done after we get sober. "Emotional Sobriety" addresses this mental state beautifully and provides tools for a remedy as well.

I feel like this book was written for me. It's hard to post this and admit that, but anyone who feels like their relationships are suffering because of their bumpy past will greatly benefit from this book. It's scientific, so I appreciated that, but not too scientific that someone without a medical background wouldn't understand. The book validates how you feel through research and teaches you how you can rewire your brain to get better. It gives me hope.

A clear and excellent book linking latest neurology and psychology relating to traumatic events in relationships. Only slight reservation is lack of overall explanation of the 3 parts of the brain:reptilian, limbic and the cortex. It is assumed the reader understands these differences. A well written book that offers solutions to relationship traumas and it is linked to a very useful workbook.

Good reading for people struggling with emotional sobriety

Brilliant read, very informative

Good seller, good product

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